It’s Sunday, and that means another addition to the Critique Blog Hop! You can click that link for more information, or check out this page on my blog for the details.
If you read my contribution last week, then you’ll recognize this post. I decided to rewrite last week’s 250 words based on the feedback I got, to see if I could improve the scene. Any comment is welcome! And don’t forget to check out others’ posts, too!
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Cory engaged the parking brake on her car and removed the key from the ignition. She’d sent a brief “here” text message when she’d turned down his street, and usually he came out to meet her, but as far as she could see, he was nowhere in sight. It worried her.
It could only mean that he wasn’t having a good day, which meant nothing good for her, either. She shuddered as a memory of the last time she’d caught her boyfriend on a bad day floated to the forefront of her thoughts.
Cory lifted the red and gold embossed envelope from the passenger’s seat, clutching it to her chest. Maybe she would wait to share her news with him, she thought. It would probably just sour his mood further. But she knew if she didn’t tell him now, he’d probably hear it from one of their friends, which would make his disposition worse. After all, big news travels fast in small, rural high school circles.
She tucked the envelope safely into her bag and zippered it shut, absently wrapping her lanyard around her fingers as she exited the car. The keys jingled together as she walked. Without thinking, she began swinging them in the air, letting the lanyard fabric wrap itself around her hand. The twisting and untwisting motions grew faster as she got closer to the door, matching the fluttering feelings in her gut.
She hesitated at the door and, after a beat, knocked to announce her presence. She knew his parents weren’t home, but part of her wanted to give Alex a warning that she was here, that he better get it together and chill himself out if he was in one of his moods.
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Like what you read? Check out these great authors for more 250 word excerpts!
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
Writing My Next Chapter 
Hi Kat! The first thing that threw me is my problem, not yours. I know a Cory and he’s a guy! Never heard of Cory as a girl’s name. I must get out from under my rock…
Anyway, the rewrite was a huge improvement. Gone are the repeated words and it reads far more cleanly.
Much, much better!! Great improvement over last week’s snippet. Well done. Some comments:
Cory engaged the parking brake on her car ~ don’t need ‘on her car’.
She’d sent a brief “here” text message when she’d turned down his street, ~ please tell me she’s not texting and driving. I’d wait until she parked. I’d also show her giving off some nervous vibe: biting her nails, trembling lips, shaking foot, anything to show her apprehension.
She shuddered as a memory of the last time she’d caught her boyfriend on a bad day floated to the forefront of her thoughts. ~ too many words. I think don’t think you need ‘floated to the forefront of her thoughts.” The words ‘memory’ already implies this.
Maybe she would wait to share her news with him, she thought. ~ I would either make this an internal thought: “Maybe I should wait to share the news with him.” or keep it as is without the “she thought”.
I think the last paragraph can be reworked a bit. There is a lot of focus on his reaction already that it plays out as overly done here. I think I’d focus more on your protag and the package. What is this news she has to tell him? Give me her angst, not his. How does she feel about the news? Let us see the way the gold embossing glitters in the sunlight. Focus on the mystery of what she has to say. I think it will make this more exciting.
Wow you have made this so much better in its flow. I can’t think of any other edits than the ones already given. I can feel her tension.
Really nice re-work here. I don’t haven anything to add that hasn’t been said. nicely done
Nice re-write! We’re going places now.
You might take out the “probably” from “But she knew if she didn’t tell him now, he’d probably hear it from one of their friends.” It weakens her worry a little–that he might be kept in the dark until his mood is better.
Same with “he better get it together and chill himself out if he was in one of his moods.” She seems certain he’s in a mood at the beginning, this implies she’s not sure. I’d cut from “if he was…”
Wow. You’ve done lots of work here.
My teeny comment is regards all the she and she’d but that’s me, maybe just nit-picking.
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