Critique Blog Hop Week 5

It’s Sunday, and that means another addition to the Critique Blog Hop! You can click that link for more information, or check out this page on my blog for the details.

These are the first 250 words of another story I have tucked away on my flash drive to work on whenever On The Surface isn’t working for me. The genre is young adult fiction, and the general direction this story is going is that my main character is in an abusive relationship that she can’t get out of. It’s meant to be a sort of awareness bringer to the issue of teen dating violence. Let me know what you think!

—-

Cory pulled the parking brake on her car and pulled the key from the ignition. She’d texted Alex as she pulled into his driveway, and usually he came out to meet her, but today he hadn’t. It worried Cory.

It could only mean that he wasn’t having a good day, and Alex on a bad day wasn’t what Cory needed today.

She lifted the red and gold embossed envelope from the passenger’s seat, clutching it to her chest. Maybe she would wait to share her news with him, Cory thought.

She tucked the envelope safely into her bag and zippered it shut, absently wrapping her lanyard around her fingers as she exited the car, swing the keys from the shortened length. She let the swinging wind and unwind the fabric in her hand, the twisting motion becoming faster as she got closer to the door.

Cory knew she had an open invitation in the Latchko’s home. Alex’s mother always mentioned it. But she hesitated at the door and knocked anyway to announce her presence. His parents weren’t home, but part of her wanted to give Alex a warning that she was here, that he better get it together and chill himself out.

—-

Like what you read? Check out these great authors for more 250 word excerpts!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

https://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

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14 thoughts on “Critique Blog Hop Week 5

  1. Pingback: It’s time again for the Sunday Snippet Critique Blog Hop! | J. Keller Ford ~ Author

  2. Hi! The first paragraph for me too. It has 3 “pulled” in it. Maybe you can find a new word to take it’s place in the second or third one? Maybe “yanked the key from the ignition”? I liked it so far. 🙂

    • Thank you! And wow – I didn’t even realize the “pulled” issue when this piece was sitting on the page with the rest of the text. Now it’s glaringly obvious… That’s embarrassing! Thank you for pointing it out and for reading!

      • no biggie. I do the same sometimes, except my word of choice seems to be “her”. No need to be embarrassed. we all do it 🙂

  3. Cory pulled the parking brake on her car and pulled the key from the ignition. She’d texted Alex as she pulled into his driveway, and usually he came out to meet her, but today he hadn’t. It worried Cory. HER INSTEAD OF “CORY” AT THE END. AND HOW CAN SHE TEXT AND DRIVE?

    It could only mean that he wasn’t having a good day, and Alex on a bad day wasn’t what Cory needed today.

    She lifted the red and gold embossed envelope from the passenger’s seat, clutching it to her chest. Maybe she would wait to share her news with him, Cory thought. MAYBE AN EMOTION OF TWO SO WE KNOW IF THIS IS A POSITIVE OR A NEGATIVE IN HER EYES?

    She tucked the envelope safely into her bag and zippered it shut, absently wrapping her lanyard around her fingers as she exited the car, swing the keys from the shortened length. She let the swinging wind and unwind the fabric in her hand, the twisting motion becoming faster as she got closer to the door. SWING AND SWINGING ARE JARRING SO CLOSE TOGETHER.

    Cory knew she had an open invitation in the Latchko’s home. ID RATHER HAVE THIS COME OUT IN CONVERSATION RATHER THAN TELLING LIKE THIS.

    Alex’s mother always mentioned it. But she hesitated at the door and knocked anyway to announce her presence. His parents weren’t home, but part of her wanted to give Alex a warning that she was here, that he better get it together and chill himself out.
    OR WHAT? THIS SEEMS LIKE SHE IS GOING TO BOP HIM ONE IF HE IS MEAN TO HER.

    THAT’S ALL I SEE. NOT TO MUCH. GOOD LUCK WITH IT!

  4. I’ve seen people text and drive, so I have no problem with the concept, Unless you mean for your character to be a less dangerously careless sort of person.
    “Maybe she would wait to share her news with him, Cory thought.” We don’t need the “thought” bit here, because we can tell she’s thinking.
    “She tucked […] zippered [..], absently wrapping […] exited the car, swing the keys from the shortened length” I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with the tense of that last verb.
    “She let the swinging wind and unwind the fabric in her hand, the twisting motion becoming faster as she got closer to the door.” Yeah, this is a little confusing. Maybe if you add “motion” earlier and take it out at the end?
    Interesting set-up here. Lots of questions raised. 🙂

  5. I will try not to repeat comments which have come before. Interesting story. Makes me curious as to whether anyone is home, and is he alone? Um.

    She tucked the envelope safely into her bag and zippered it shut, absently wrapping her lanyard around her fingers as she exited the car, SWUNG(?) the keys from the shortened length. She let the swinging wind and (REMOVE ‘and’) unwind the fabric in her hand, the twisting motion becoming faster as she got closer to the door.

    I might be tempted to divide this sentence into smaller sequences for more effect. What do you think?

  6. Pingback: Ugh! What a week coming up! And Sunday Snippets Blog Hop | Jennifer M Eaton

  7. Hi m’dear; sorry this is so late, but I’m determined to get last week’s critiques in. So… here we go! -oh, and sorry if I’ve repeated earlier comments.

    I like that your first line begins with action, but watch the repetition of words; three instances of ‘pulled’ in close succession. Also the line ‘it worried Cory’ feels a bit peculiar to me. I’m not sure why; maybe it’s possible to show the worry rather than simply tell us about it.

    A little more repetition in the next paragraph; three instances of ‘day’ in the one line.

    The line beginning ‘she tucked the envelope safely into her bag’ seems like it has some words missing, or some punctuation. Or maybe it’s just a bit long. I don’t know.

    I like the parallels of the lanyard to Cory’s mood. The fabric getting tighter and tighter a bit like her nerves, that’s great.

  8. Pingback: Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: The First 250 Words of my New Novel, OPTIMAL RED | Jennifer M Eaton

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