Critique Blog Hop Week 7

It’s Sunday, and that means another addition to the Critique Blog Hop! You can click that link for more information, or check out this page on my blog for the details.

HUGE thanks to everyone for the positive feedback I got on my rewrite from week 6. I really dropped the ball on critiques last week — but I also dropped the ball on overall blog maintenance altogether last week. What can I say? It was a rough one for me (but spring break is almost here!) I promise to make up for it this week!

Anyway, here are my next 250 words. This is two excerpts from a WIP where I exercised the double viewpoint narration strategy.  In order for it to make a little bit of sense out of context, I took 125 ish words from Character A’s point of view, and the rest from Character B. It’s a new technique for me, and it might be tough to get the gist of what’s really happening in 250 ish word chunks, but I’m going to try anyway! Thanks all!

—-

He was walking to material sciences when he saw her the first time. Dressed in a black skirt, a dress shirt, and heels, she strutted purposefully up the sidewalk toward him. She was carrying a notebook in her arm and a messenger bag over her shoulder. Her cell phone was clenched in her other hand, but she wasn’t looking at it. They were surely going to cross paths, but this time Trevor didn’t have time to think of the right thing to say. She was getting closer.

He opened his mouth and began to raise his hand to wave, but Aerin wasn’t looking at him. Rather, she was looking in his direction, but her mind was clearly elsewhere. Some things never change, he thought. Within seconds, she had click-clacked past him, off to wherever she was headed so quickly.

Trevor couldn’t believe it. Snubbed by a girl he hadn’t spoken to since sophomore year of high school.

She was late. Well, technically she was right on schedule, but in the journalism world, early is on time, on time is late, and late is… well, you might as well just go home if you’re late.

Aerin was en route to the top of campus, forced to walk after missing the bus outside the downtown office of the campus newspaper. And as she was walking up from the office, she failed to notice the boy coming from the opposite direction toward her. She drew in a sharp breath and exhaled quickly, sweat beading on her forehead. Why did this meeting have to be on the complete opposite end of campus? And her heels – they were not working in her favor at this moment.

Her phone buzzed in her hand. You at the meeting yet?… Was all she could read before the screen went blank again.

—-

Like what you read? Check out these great authors for more 250 word excerpts!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

https://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

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6 thoughts on “Critique Blog Hop Week 7

  1. Good job. I think this works, at least for the brief snippet here. One thing that rang the bell for me:

    And as she was walking up from the office, she failed to notice the boy coming from the opposite direction toward her.

    Cut this completely as it is author intrusion. She doesn’t see him, therefore from her POV she wouldn’t acknowledge she didn’t see him. Make sense? 🙂 Keep it tight. Good job.

  2. I like the two narrators. They see things so differently. Poor Trevor!
    I think I see what you were trying to do with “And as she was walking up from the office, she failed to notice the boy coming from the opposite direction toward her.”
    Kford’s right, but you might replace it with something to show how completely focused she is on her inner thoughts–how she’s on autopilot, scarcely noticing her surroundings…
    Unless you have that outside the snippet.
    Is something wrong with her phone? Because texts usually stay displayed longer.

  3. Here’s a little in- line. I’m in caps

    He was walking to material sciences when he saw her the first time. HE SAW HER FOR THE FIRST TIME WALKING TO MATERIAL SCIENCES. she strutted purposefully up the sidewalk toward him, HER DRESS SWISHING IN THE WIND AS HER HEELS CLICKED ON THE PAVEMENT. — THE NEXT TWO LINES OF DESCRIPTION, IF IMPORTANT, INTERMIX WITH THE ACTION. IT’S TOO MUCH OF A DUMP AT ONE TIME.She was carrying a notebook in her arm and a messenger bag over her shoulder. Her cell phone was clenched in her other hand, but she wasn’t looking at it.

    They were surely going to cross paths, but this time Trevor didn’t have time to think of the right thing to say. She was getting closer.

    He opened his mouth and began to raise his hand to wave, but Aerin wasn’t looking at him. Rather, she was looking in his direction,TOO MANY “LOOKING”S IN THAT SENTANCE. DISTRACTING. but her mind was SEEMED TO BE elsewhere. Some things never change, he thought. Within seconds, THE SPEEDY click-clack OF HER HEELS HAD past him.

    Trevor couldn’t believe it. Snubbed by a girl he hadn’t spoken to since sophomore year of high school.

    She was late. Well, technically she was right on schedule, but in the journalism world, early is on time, on time is late, and late is… well, you might as well just go home if you’re late.

    Aerin was en route to the top of campus, forced to walk after missing the bus outside the downtown office of the campus newspaper. And as she was walking up from the office, IF YOU ARE IN HER POINT OF VIEW, YOU CANNOT SAY THAT SHE DIDN’T NOTICE – BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE DIDN’T NOTICE. she failed to notice the boy coming from the opposite direction toward her. She drew in a sharp breath and exhaled quickly, sweat beading on her forehead. Why did this meeting have to be on the complete opposite end of campus? And her heels – they were not working in her favor at this moment.

    Her phone buzzed in her hand. You at the meeting yet?… Was all she could read before the screen went blank again.

    MY MAIN SUGGESTION IS TO WORK ON HAVING THE SCENE EVOLVE FOR THE READER RATHER THAN TELLING IT. FOR INSTANCE, BREAK UP THE DESCRIPTION INSIDE THE ACTION. ALSO, ONCE YOU GET INTO A POV YOU NEED TO STICK TO IT. IMAGINE WHAT YOU SEE WHEN YOU ARE IN THAT PERSON’S HEAD. YOU CANNOT SAY WHAT THEY DIDN’T SEE.

    DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

  4. Excellent advice from everyone here. The whole skipping out of Aerin’s POV line — totally didn’t even register with me that it would be awkward for a reader! It’s almost like I was putting it there for myself! Thanks everyone. I’m really looking forward to working on this double POV story – it’s an interesting and exciting challenge for me!

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